I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
