My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize