Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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