It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
