We're facebook friends in real life
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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