He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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