Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
