I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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