It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
