Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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