Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
