i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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