So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
