maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
