is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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