I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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