just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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