True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
