Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
