Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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