I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
