i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
