dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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