im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
