Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
