I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
