I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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