I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
