He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
