I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
