Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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