I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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