Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
