You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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