She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
