i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
