the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
