nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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