We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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