Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
