Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
