WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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