I smell stomach acid.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
