Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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