I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i drank out of a bidet.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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