Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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