i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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