yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
