I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
