she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
