bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize