I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
