then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
