woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
