; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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