I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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