I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That accounts for only three of the penises
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
