Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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