WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
