The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
