is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
