First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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